Why Groundhogs Are Terrible House Pets By:Guy Bellefonte

Thinking about a groundhog as a pet? Please read this article before trapping or charming one into your home. They are demanding animals and quite honestly belong in the wild. Is there any upside? Absolutely. Similar to a dog, my groundhog will lovingly greet me when I come home, but then he hastily scurries back into the crawl space and starts digging. If I had to do it over again, I would have chosen goldfish.

1. Hibernation. My groundhog hibernates in my basement all winter long. This may sound like a good thing, but when he wakes up in the spring, it's a different story. Each year, right around March Madness, this little whistle pig comes climbing up from the basement. Not only is he very hungry, but he's also looking for a new mate. Having to deal with a hungry groundhog in heat in an urban environment is rough to say the least.

2. Digging. These animals absolutely LOVE to dig. I usually have to replace the carpeting in my townhouse twice a year. Last July he dug right through the dry wall and wedged himself in between the walls. I had to call a contractor to help me remove him AND he bit me during the process. I had to get yet another tetanus shot.

3. Veterinarian Care. Not many vets will even agree to see a "pet" groundhog, let alone have experience in dealing with one. I only brought my little guy to the vet once and it was not a pleasant experience. The vet told me I shouldn't try to domesticate a wild animal and she threatened to call animal control.

4. Not good with kids. When I first got my groundhog, I tried to get him comfortable around children. I assume he perceived the children as threats, which is why he started snarling so viciously. Thankfully no one was hurt. For safety measures, I always put him on a leash when we go out and I usually tie a piece of string around his snout so he doesn't snap at anyone.

5. Special dietary needs. The pet stores don't carry groundhog food, so I just feed him table scraps which may be why he weighs about 45 pounds and is very lethargic. His favorite snack is Bugles and I sometimes let him eat taffy and pretend he is trying to talk.

(No groundhogs were injured during the writing of this article)

The Need For Daily Humor By:Valerie Mercedez

People will always seek out daily humor and daily stories from the top sites around the web. When you think of how many people are sitting around at all times, bored at work or at home, it is only normal to want a quick laugh and where better than the computer, where you don't have the necessary commitment that you would with a phone call to a friend or loved ones. Besides, the humorous daily stories you find online may be even funnier than your friends.

One of the benefits of these daily humor type of stories is that they are short! That's right, get your daily dose of humor with short stories, get a quick laugh, and then you can get back to work or friends and family or whatever it is you may want to do during the day. Which might even be creating your own dose of daily stories and humor that others may laugh at as you become either their comic relief, or just today's jerk as they're reading about you somewhere.

Just remember, although it is a good mental break to take time off and pursue some of these, many of which are really funny, just don't get caught at work while you're doing it! One still has to be fairly responsible, while still going after all of their daily humor needs. It's just nice to still have steady employment while you do! Make sure to get your laughs in daily, and you'll be happier for it!

I Think Ive Got That New Disease Ive Seen Advertised By:Kieron Mcfadden

To: Lucifer Beelzebub, CEO, Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals.
From: Ruth Less, CEO. Ruth Less Disease Promotions Inc

Dear Mr. Beelzebub,

Are you looking for a way to monetize the green goo your research labs concocted last year but no-one has yet found a use for?

Well, have no fear because here at Disease Promotions Inc, we have the solution!!

If you have several tons of nondescript fluid taking up space in the warehouse, don't rush to dump it because you may well be dumping a fortune in easy profits. The good news is, you can recycle your green goo into greenbacks! All you need is some intelligent marketing and single-minded dedication to the art of making money from old rope.

Let us package, promote and market your goo for you, using the latest breakthrough in pharmaceutical marketing: ADE, the Animal Disease Epidemic.

Research has shown that the public are guaranteed to become hysterical when presented with a disease named after an animal. Bird flu was a popular item; as was Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE) although hardly anyone can actually SAY eneceph...eocophthal.....ensippolophasy. And the latest craze, swine flu, is a sure-fire winner too - and it's easy to pronounce!

Years of experience in the highly competitive field of disease marketing has shown us time and again that if you promote an ADE well enough and hard enough, people will go for it en masse. Either they will obligingly catching it, in the idea they are SUPPOSED to catch it - it's been advertised in the papers and on TV after all! - or imagine they have caught it at the first sign of a tickly cough (while discounting, in the face of a slick advertising campaign, the ten fags they just smoked before breakfast.)

Either way, you will have a thriving sea of profitable fear in which you can market and sell whatever it is you have earmarked as a remedy. As we say in the marketing business: nothing sells a product like blind terror.

Here's the procedure: (1)develop a vaccine. (2)invent an illness that requires the vaccine. (3)name it after an animal, bird, fish or insect. (4) hype it up in the media. (5)call it an epidemic even though hardly anyone has caught it yet - believe me, they WILL. (5)call it highly contagious. (6) promote it as a sinister, hideous, stalking INVISIBLE menace from which no-one is safe.(7) ensure that the symptoms advertised for your ADE are similar to the common cold or ordinary flu so that lots of people upon developing the sniffles will be convinced they have your disease and are about to die.

Do these steps well enough and you will create (a.) fear (b) panic (c) demand for your vaccine.

And we will do all the work for you. You have already done your bit, cooking up a medicinal-looking brew in your labs. Now let US do the rest. We will handle everything, from designing the disease concept for maximum impact, (look, feel, type, target demographics, threat level, symptoms, contagion vectors etc) to naming it, to the issuance of press releases, quotes from "scientists" (i.e., your lab staff) and paying "experts" to issue terrifying scientific statements about the disease.

Our expertise is hard-won through years of successful disease marketing and with it you cannot miss. You will remember successful DPI products such as the Sparrows Kneecap outbreak of '04 in which the death toll climbed to almost one fatality.

Or the Gnu Gripe epidemic of 2007 that held Neasden in the grip of fear until everybody forgot about it.

Then there was the outbreak of Fish Fingers that caused the evacuation of Paris last year and was reported to have killed hundreds of old people with symptoms very similar to old age.

Of course, your disease now has to compete with many other diseases and creeping invisible menaces for the public's attention but we guarantee the devotion of our extensive know-how to making YOUR disease the most scary, unpleasant and deadly on the market.

We guarantee a billion dollars in vaccine sales or your money back.

Yours,

Ruth Less

PS. So as to secure the best disease names for our clients we have taken the trouble to copyright a range of catchy titles. All you need to do is visit our website (panicsRus.com) and tick any in the following list that appeal to you, and then send us a $100000 deposit to reserve your disease.

Snake Eyes
Llama's Elbow
Ocelot's Stool
Gibbering Emu Virus
Camel Breath
Terrapin Fever
Monkfish Mange

PPS. Hurry and place your order today! There is a limited time remaining before the public catches o

Her Majestys Government to Relocate to Poland Shock By:Kieron Mcfadden

Newsflash
England April 21st 2009

The British Government announced today that it is relocating its centre of operations to Poland.

In what is considered to be the most radical shake-up of the administration since the Roman invasion, Parliament and Whitehall will take up residence next year in vacant warehousing facilities near the dockyards in Gdansk.

A source close to the Prime Minister said, "The government has decided to take a leaf out of private industry's book. With most public interfacing now being done via call centers in India and most of Britain's manufactured goods now being produced by slave labor in the Third World, it is the turn of the government to remove itself to a location as remote from the public as possible."

The move is believed to offer several advantages, not least of which is that it will enable the government to go about its business in peace and quiet. Poland is actually empty at this time, its population having upped sticks and moved to Britain to pursue a job vacancy at the Bingley Road Chef.

For the same reason, Polish property is cheap. This will slash government overheads and enable it to pour funds into its campaign to provide shoes for our soldiers in Iraq.

"By the end of next year" said our spokesman, "every British soldier serving in Iraq will probably have at least one boot if this economy measure goes through."

An opposition spokesman however poured cold water on the government's "Boots for Iraq" claim, saying: "While we believe this move to be an eminently sensible idea, the government's claim about boots is typically premature. The public are tired of wild promises. We should wait and see how much money is left after the costs of the move are factored in before we get carried away. However we do believe that the savings that can be may offset some of the cost of the move and probably necessitate only a small tax hike to cover the remainder. This is good news for the British tax payer."

The move of administrative headquarters to Poland is but part of a broader strategy involving the subsequent relocation of all British citizens to Poland, which being a geographically larger area will offer the Brit more elbow room than he is accustomed to.

As for infrastructure, that is not believed to be a problem. After decades of Communist and post-Communist mismanagement, the Brits should feel at home with Polish infrastructure.

"Poland offers many attractive incentives for the British to move there," said our source. "Property is cheap and the country is almost devoid of foreigners."

Then, hinting at more long-term plans for Britain, he added. "Ultimately we could rename Poland "Great Britain" and rename Britain "Poland" and everything would be back to normal."

A spokesman for the opposition was scathing about the idea: "We think the suggestion is preposterous. It would be better to rename the two countries "Britand" and "Polain" respectively."

We surveyed the public on the idea of relocating the government and 93% were enthusiastic about moving the government as far away as possible. Most thought an orbiting space station would be preferable to Poland - providing the space station was orbiting Uranus. At least we THINK that's what they said...

Government Announces New Ministry of Predictions By:Kieron Mcfadden

Newsflash
England April 22nd 2009

News has just come in that the government is to form up a brand new Whitehall Ministry with the probable title of Ministry of Predictions.

Stung by criticism of his government's complete inability to see the current recession coming and by its equal inability to accurately foretell when it will end (beyond the fact that it will be some time in the afternoon of 4th of June 2011) the Prime Minister recently set up a committee to investigate these failings.

The committee (named the Government Information Think-tank, or GIT) was also charged with making proposals for how best to combat the impossibility of being able to foretell the consequences of anything either government or its employers, the banks, do.

The outcome of GIT's investigation was a plan for a new ministry and that plan is set to become reality next year or at some unspecified time in the future, if unforeseen circumstances should intervene.

GIT Chairman, Watt Bull (84) said, "It is a fact of life that government can never know what is going to happen tomorrow, or indeed what is happening today, and planning for the future is pretty futile mainly because Her Majesty's Government is not responsible for anything bad. Nevertheless it would be handy if we could come up with some way of at least letting the electorate know when to duck when bad things entirely someone else's fault occur. Failing that, we need to be able to show how not getting them to duck at the right time, if at all, was not our fault either. After much painstaking discussion we have decided the founding of a Ministry of Necromancy is the best way forward."

Mr Bull further elaborated that necromancy was used right through the Roman Empire's most successful period, guiding Caesar to a successful invasion of these islands and paving the way for hundreds of years of successful subjugation of Britain to a foreign power.

"The parallels with Britain's modern relationship with the United States and the Earth Emperor, Mr John 'Centre' Rockabilly (109), are obvious" said Mr Watt. "We feel there is a kind of karmic inevitability about the whole thing.

The government's public relations guru, Joe Satan (14) told this reporter: "The Ministry of Necromancy, or the Ministry of Predictions as it will be known to the public, will be responsible for examining the entrails of dead sheep and goats and the divination therefrom of the will of the gods vis a vis the economy, national bankruptcy, putting the country up for auction and so forth."

He added that, "the sudden inexplicable appearance of Llama farms all over the country we take both as a sign and an opportunity to expand from goat and sheep entrails into the more accurate reading of Llama entrails. This was a technology successfully used by the Aztecs right up until their annihilation by the Spanish."

Government sources consider that once accuracy of prediction is elevated to over ten percent, the next step forward will be to develop the capability to actually DO something to prevent bad things happening.

"This may seem wild optimism to some," said Mr Satan, "but being able to do something about something is entirely on the cards. We are exploring the possibility of a Ministry of Hex and Spells to stand alongside our Ministry of Predictions...."

END

Coming Soon: Government Admits: "Nobody Can Be Expected to Read Entrails,' Shock.

Even More Depressing Pandemic Alert By:Kieron Mcfadden

The government today issued a new public health alert, warning of the arrival of a pandemic even more depressing than the last one.

"Just in case any of our citizens woke up this morning feeling chirpy," said Health supremo, Joe Supremo (97), "we got together with supremos from the press and the Ministry of Panic to put together this new reason not to be. After all, this is a Democracy and nobody has a right to feel exempt from the gloom that is the birthright of every citizen."

Mr Supremo went on to say that the government takes the new threat to the life of every man woman and child (and pet) on the planet so seriously, they are no longer calling it a "pandemic" but, at the suggestion of the press supremo, Craig Bi-Polar (46?...?), have renamed it a "carnagedemic."

[Editor's note: insert here photo of Labrador with bleak, haunted eyes, wearing a blue face mask. Caption: "Carnagedemic. All pets could die."]

Mr Bi-Polar explained further: "An epidemic is rubbish, quite frankly. Doesn't have the pizzaz it used to have. So for a while we had pandemics, which had the virtue of sounding more threatening than an epidemic by having "pan" attached to it instead of "epi," which sounds a bit girly. A threat qualifies as a pandemic if it kills, or makes poorly, as many as five people (or pets). We needed a new nickname for a threat that will kill, or might kill, more than five people (or pets). The name needed to look good in headlines and prompt people (or pets) to reach into their pockets and cough up the loot for a newspaper out of a sense of alarm (or terror). Recently we have suffered from an epidemic of pandemics and the public is starting to get bored with the whole thing. This has led to an epidemic of public not being unduly alarmed, which caused to flare up a pandemic of slumping newspaper sales. We can now confidently state the matter is under control and look forward to a week of headlines that will really shake up the complacent tight-fisted swine."

[Editor's note: insert here photo of baby with bleak, haunted eyes wearing face mask. Caption: "Be afraid!"]

But what of the carnagedemic? Health reports indicate it may already have claimed thousands of lives and is set to claim many thousand more, although scientists point out that it depends on whether you define "claimed" as "killed" or "could have killed".

One scientist, who did not want to be named, or indeed identified at all, for legal reasons, disclosed in a taped interview left on the answer machine of the Daily Scare that the carnagedemic is, or might be, invariably fatal for anyone who dies from it and there is lots of hard rumour that it is, or might be, the cause of insanity or depression in those who contract it and that nobody is immune, or at least those who contracted it weren't.

[Ed's note: insert here picture of baby wearing full bio suit, its eyes visible though the transparency should be bleak and full of despair. Caption: "Abandon hope! Start looting!"]

The method of transmission of the disease, dubbed "Mad Hack's Virus," is uncertain, although all the evidence points to a virus. If it turns out not to be a virus, the disease will have to, obviously, be renamed, which will simply add to the confusion so everyone is keeping their fingers crossed that it really is a virus.

It is believed that MHV or "Newspaper Flu" as it is also known, is somehow transmitted by contact with tabloid newspapers. Certainly there is as yet no recorded case of any citizen (or pet) contracting the disease who does not read newspapers.

A source close to Buckingham Palace (the bloke leaning on the railings) told this reporter: "What the government isn't telling us is that virtually no-one is safe if MHV is transmitted through contact with newspapers because according to the Office of Made Up Statistics more than 97% of people read newspapers, although admittedly only 3% of these remember what they have read."

MHV has all the hallmarks of a classic attention-grabbing, panic-inducing and hence money-spinning disease, namely: it is invisible, it is "everywhere," its symptoms can easily be confused with innocuous ailments such as the common cold or not enough caffeine, it has the word "virus" or "flu" in it.

Do you have Newspaper Flu? Probably, says the Ministry of Panic. Certainly said Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals, whose Public Relations Officer, Joe Satan (14) first alerted everyone to the presence of this new stalking carnagedemic menace in our midst shortly after Grimm Reaper Laboratories invented an antidote for it.

"MHV is certainly proving to be a popular ailment," said Mr Satan. When it was pointed out that there was no evidence that MHV had actually killed anyone, Mr Satan said, " Well that just goes to show how effective our antidote, Docile 24/7, is."

What are the symptoms of the new disease? Opinions vary but here is a list of what they could be and certainly if you have any of these, you are advised to panic or Docile on the National Health immediately:

Disorientation
Depression
Anxiety
Loss of ability to think (or spell).
Paranoia (feeling threatened by a dark, vague, lurking menace you can't see)
Tendency to blame immigrants/religion/hoodies/parents for everything
Feeling panicky.
Hysteria
Becoming sick with worry.

One victim, who is, miraculously, not dead told this reporter:

"I became sick shortly after reading the Daily Scare over me breakfast cornflakes, I think it was last Tuesday's headline: "millions of air breathers die every year" that set me off. The first thing I noticed is I got the shakes and became very nervous. Then I kind of completely lost the will to live. I felt like I was doomed to die a horrible death no matter what I did. Then I became acutely aware of every little muscular twinge or fleeting discomfort in me body. By the time I'd finished me boiled egg and soldiers I was convinced I had at least twelve different viruses, all of which are named after animals. Then I called me doctor and he gave me a prescription for something that enabled me to hear colours and I've been on Venus where it's safe from the alien head termites ever since...."

Latest figures suggest that MHV may have infected as many as ten million people in the UK alone. The government, in the best tradition of bolting stable doors after the horse has not only bolted but emigrated to France, retired, written its memoirs, died and been forgotten, has purchased a hundred million face masks.

When it was put to the Health Supremo that the masks are in fact completely useless and no defense at all against Newspaper Flu, Mr Supremo explained, " That has never stopped the government buying face masks before. The purchase of face masks has long been standard practice, favoured by Ministers bullied by the press into responding to an emergency they know little or nothing about. It reassures the public that the government is acting decisively in the best traditions of headless chickens."

(Ed's note: include picture here of baby dressed in deep sea diver's suit. Caption: "Flee for your lives!")

Unfortunately, just when those public still retaining their grip on a shred of optimism naively thought things could not get any worse, they have. Scientists report that MHV may have mutated and "jumped media." A new and even more unstoppable strain of the virus has been detected. The new outbreak, dubbed an armaggedonedemic, is know as Word Of Mouth Disease.

Celebrity Scandals For Free By:Valerie Mercedez

It is of no surprise that celebrities will freely scandal up the tabloids, and every time you turn around, you see a celebrity in the tabloids, daily. Sometimes you have downright ?celebrity jerk?moments even! What is the fascination with daily celebrity gossip? After all, some people have to log on to multiple websites every day to get their fill of ?celebrity gossip. No to mention the scandals. Oh, those celebrities scandals. If it makes you wonder why these privileged folks would succumb to this behavior, take a step back and look at the pressure of their lives, always being under the scrutiny of the public eye. Ok, granted, that is one side of the fence, now how about the other side? Their responsibility to set an example, being a public figure after all.It is of no surprise that celebrities will freely scandal up the tabloids, and every time?you turn around, you see a celebrity in the tabloids, daily. Sometimes you have downright celebrity jerk moments even!?What is the fascination with daily celebrity gossip?

If it makes you wonder why these privileged folks would succumb to this behavior, take a step back and look at the pressure of their lives, always being under the scrutiny of the public eye.?Ok, granted, that?s one side of the fence, now how about the other side ? their responsibility to set an example, being a public figure after all.

At the end of the day, as we get our dose of daily funny on from these celeb scandals, we enjoy our dose of their daily celebrity gossip and laugh, we can only but wonder as they are all different and it?s too easy to call them a celebrity jerk.?If we were engaged in our own daily scandals, I am sure we would want a little bit of slack ourselves. ?

Valerie Mercedez is a writer who covers entertainment and daily news of the weird relating to all the celebrity jerks you read about during your daily celebrity gossip filled day.